


Steve Carlsberg's Adventure!

by f1rstperson



Series: Steve Carlsberg's Fanfic [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Damsel in Distress Cecil, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, Mary Steve, OOC... everyone is OOC, Steve just doesnt, Steve writes a fanfic, don't worry I love Carlos guys, heroic letter writing, silly Carlos bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 21:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f1rstperson/pseuds/f1rstperson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi my name is Steve Carlsberg and this is my first fic ever!!! I'm really bad at summaries so pls just read :)</p><p>Also no flames or criticism please!!!!!! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steve Carlsberg's Adventure!

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading badfic for years, and now I can finally put all that wasted time to use. Thank you to Daftalchemist for betaing and for coining the term "Mary Steve".

One day Steve Carlsberg was walking from his Tan Corolla, which is actually really well maintained and that hubcap thing only happened once, to the Ralph’s. Steve was tall and handsome and had a lot of muscles that showed through his royal blue poloshirt, and he had combed back brown hair. There he saw Old Woman Josie and her kind of creepy tall angel friends doing their shopping.

“Hello, Steve!” said Old Woman Josie in a friendly, elderly tone. Steve smiled at her even though her face was super wrinkly and she smelled like old lady and sometimes she spoke really slow, “You’re looking really handsome and wonderful today. How are you doing? I loved your letter to the radio you made some really intelligent points and I think more people should listen to what you have to say.”

“Thank you, Jo’ (Steve and Old Woman Josie were really super good friends so he was allowed to call her Jo even though he sometimes wasn’t able to talk or approach her because her angels were gigantic and really scary looking). I really enjoyed last night’s segment. Cecil has a lovely voice doesn’t he?” said Steve. 

“Yes he does. Though I wish he wouldn’t be so mean to you for voicing your completely informed and correct opinions about the town. And I personally think he should talk less about that new scientist Carlos, because he’s really not that attractive and no one really cares. You two would make a much better couple,” said Old Woman Josie. 

Carlos was this new guy in town who tucked his checkered shirts into his jeans and ran around doing science like a big nerd. His hair was messy and stupid and he had a goatee which was also stupid. Somehow he managed to trick Cecil into being boyfriends with him by pretending to act smart and using his suave latino charm and also maybe black magic, but City Council won’t even look into my complaints about him and they keep sending my letters back.

“It’s too bad Cecil ignores me and is always mean to me, even though I am really nice to him and send him my stuff and I think he is really nice and hot” Steve said sorrowfully, “I’m actually a really cool guy who is way better Carlos.”

“I think he just says mean things because he’s in love with you and doesn’t know how to go about admitting it, and then that whole dumb Carlos thing is probably him trying to make you jealous. Everyone likes you, Steve, and you’re really cool and smart.” 

“Well, I did totally win first place in the Science Fair in High School. I doubt Carlos could say that,” Steve said, winking at Josie with a totally awesome sense of humor.

Everyone in the Ralph’s heard Steve’s awesome joke and they all laughed and Steve laughed too.

Steve had to go because the City Council was awarding him an award for being the most diligent and helpful citizen ever in the history of Night Vale. The Sheriff of Night Vale was presenting it along with a handwritten apology for doing re-education stuff to Steve just because he told the truth and actually gives a damn about this town. The Sheriff was crying a lot because he had been a bad man and done the wrong thing and he knew it. Steve looked into the Sheriff’s eyes with his own sparkling emerald eyes and said it was okay that the Sheriff tortured him and broke the fourth amendment and that he forgave the Sheriff. 

Mayor Pamela Winchell gave Steve the award because dragons are scary and people should have faces, and Steve wasn’t the only one who thought that lots of other people did too. 

And Pamela said, “Here, have this award for being Night Vale’s best and most favorite citizen. Actually, you should be Mayor, since you’re the only one qualified and you care about this town a lot.” So Pamela Winchell gave him all her Mayor stuff and Steve became the Mayor. 

Steve was about to enact a bunch of policies that would fix everything in the town and make it much better when suddenly there was a scream.

“Help! Carlos’ science set the radio building on fire and I am trapped!” Cecil’s beautiful voice like the void sky rang crystal clear through the daylight air.

“I have to go save him!” said Steve.

“Yes, you are the only one who can!” said Pamela Winchell, “Also he might realize how much he loves you if you save him!”

“I can’t help because my entire division is inept and we do more harm then good. It’s better that you save him Steve,” said the Sheriff. 

“You’re fired,” said Steve to the Sheriff as he got in his Tan Corolla and drove real fast out to the radio station.

He got there and Cecil said, “Steve, you’re here! I’m sorry I said didn’t maintain your car well it actually looks really nice and you’re definitely taking good care of the hubcaps.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Steve all cool-like,”Also I am the Mayor of Night Vale now. What’s the matter?”

“I am on fire because of Carlos’ science, and he cannot help because he is sad and pathetic. I wish I had a boyfriend who was cool like you and got stuff done!” said Cecil, his face handsome even with the burning that was going on. That stupid guy Carlos was curled up in a ball in the corner, whimpering like a big baby.

“It is okay. You shouldn’t do science if you’re not smart enough, Carlos. Things will get on fire.” Steve said nicely to that jerk Carlos.

“How could I have been so wrong? I don’t deserve to be with Cecil! I was only pretending to be cool and smart when in reality I’m just a big loser with totally overrated hair!” wailed Carlos in his annoying nerd voice.

Steve wrote a strongly worded letter to the fire and the fire immediately stopped. Cecil ran to Steve and hugged him. 

“Steve, can you ever forgive me? I’ve said so many mean and hurtful things to you when you’re actually the coolest and smartest Mayor ever. I even dated that dumb Carlos guy to make you jealous so you would notice my affections. His hair isn’t even that great, and also you’re letters are really smart and interesting I would love to read more on air,” said Cecil.

“I forgive you Cecil,” said Steve with tears in his eyes because he was crying because Cecil and him were together now.

“Carlos, I am not your boyfriend anymore because you are stupid and I don’t like your hair. I am Steve’s boyfriend,” said Cecil and he kissed Steve right in front of Carlos who left town forever. Then Steve and Cecil went home in Steve’s Tan Corolla.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is f1rstperson.tumblr.com if you want even more poorly done things from me~

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Steve Carlsberg's Adventure!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000791) by [cutthroatpixie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutthroatpixie/pseuds/cutthroatpixie)




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